SOS! Yorozuya
by CrossFaded
Summary: Spreading fun and excitement throughout the world? Yup, Haruhi has taken it to the next level.


Yo, Sakata Gintoki here. Today, Kyon has magically disappeared into a mysterious plothole that the author did not bother to give an explanation for just to make his story work. For that reason, I will be narrating this story until he decides to bring Kyon back.

By the way, I also moonlight as a voice actor behind the scenes. Otherwise, I'd probably look like a starving African child by now. Dear viewers of Gintama, in how many episodes do you actually see the Yorozuya eating a proper meal? Do you think that paltry sum of money that the Yorozuya makes is enough to feed the three of us? Kagura herself finishes 7 bucket of rice and that humongous burden of a dog finishes 7 bucket of dog food!

Honestly, I was really excited when Sunrise finally offered me a lucrative role as Lelouch in Code Geass, until a certain J** ******** stole the role from me.

Out of sympathy, Sunrise referred me to Kyoto Animation, which they offered me the role of Kyon in The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

Good for you, Kagura. JC Staff managed to produce 3 seasons of Shakugan no Shana but instead of sharing the money with me, you spent it all on sukonbu.

"Gin-chan. You must have gambled all your money away on Pachinko." was what Kagura said when I politely requested for some donation to Gintoki's Charity House for the starving poor.

"Kyoto Animation decided to cut costs and so I got a pay cut equivalent to 5 episodes. I'm broke and I'm starving, if you don't give me any money, I'll die for sure. Do you want Gin-san to die just like that?! "

"No! I want to use the money for me and Sadaharu!"

If you're wondering why I got a pay cut equivalent to 5 episodes, look no further than the Endless Eight scandal. Even Gainax did a better job in cutting costs when they produced Evangelion.

I heard Haruhi repeated summer holidays 15,498 times. Why did you only air 8 episodes? You should've aired all of the 15,498 episodes. This show would definitely be in the Guinness Book of Record for the most episodes in the world and I'd be rich by now.

Now, I am stuck with Nagato reading a book by the side of a window in the clubroom and that overly moe pink Barbie doll Asahina Mikuru being chased by Haruhi who insisted that she try on her new maid costume while playing a board game with that perpetually smiling Koizumi. It's creepy, but Kyoto Animation wanted to cut costs so they decided that he'd wear that same expression 90% of the time.

How did I even get here in the first place? Don't worry, the author didn't just pluck me out of my universe and planted me there just to make his story work. Anyway, the author has a minimum word requirement of 3k per chapter to meet, so he decided that a proper backstory about Sakata Gintoki's Journey to North High is needed to inflate his word count.

The flashback will begin in...

3

2

1

* * *

It was a bright and sunny day as I lazed about in my sofa reading the latest issue of Jump when the doorbell rang.

"Gin-san, go get the door!" Shinpachi said while he was bathing.

"Oh shut up. Can't you see that I'm reading an important manga about the meaning of life."

"It's just Jump, no? And go get the door before we lose our customer! Do you know that we're almost out of money to buy food?!"

"Go blame Kagura for that. Her role as Shana brought her so much money, but yet she spent it all on sukonbu and Sadaharu."

The ringing continued to intensify but Jump is more important than that stupid bell.

"Just shut the hell up and get the door! We know you gambled all your money away on Pachinko so don't blame anyone and GO GET THE DOOR!"

If only Shinpachi knew how badly exploited I was as a talented voice actor, he would understand why I'm always broke. Nevertheless, I decided that I should probably start doing something useful in my life.

I went and open the door to see a well dressed boy in a business suit holding a suitcase in one hand. Seeing that he looked like a very rich person, I warmly invited him inside and ordered Shinpachi to get him our best tea since he was done with bathing.

The boy put his suitcase down and took a sip of tea while Shinpachi and I were seated at the opposite end. Kagura was away taking Sadaharu for a walk in the park so there's only the two of us here.

"I'm here for a reason."

The boy said as he opened the suitcase, revealing 3 golden tickets that was neatly arranged side by side. What's this? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Is this really the legendary ticket that would grant access to an eternal paradise of sweetness?!

"Ehhh... Is this some sort of a reward that we'll be getting once we finish the job?" Shinpachi said.

"No. That's the job. Use the tickets as soon as possible before Milady finds out."

"Are you trying to deny a lady to enter the chocolate factory because she has a diet to keep?"

Surely this was the legendary Golden Ticket, but the boy only looked at me in a strange manner.

"Err... actually this is a space ticket. Each ticket leads to a different world."

The boy started pointing at the tickets one by one, " You see, the first ticket leads to Sakuragaoka Girl's High School and the second ticket leads to Tristain and the last ticket leads to... err, Human World?"

I immediately grabbed the last ticket. This is it! Bleach, here I come!

"Won't she get mad when she realizes that her tickets are gone?"

Shinpachi, don't be a spoilsport! It's a one in a million chance to explore the world beyond Edo.

"It is best for Milady not to visit this 3 worlds lest she destroys them by accident."

Who the hell is your Milady anyway? Some bumbling idiot who unknowingly possess the power to crush an universe as long as she wills it? Haruhi Suzumiya, is that so? Though I remember her as an ordinary schoolgirl, but with her powers, who knows. Yes, you've made a wise choice, my boy. Keep her away from the world of Bleach!

Loud, thumping footsteps could be heard from a distance. Definitely Kagura and her humongous burden of a dog.

"Gin-chan, Shinpachi, I'm back!"

She was surprised to see a customer seated nicely at the sofa while the both of us were seated at the opposite end. Can't blame her for that, it's been ages since we even had a customer.

"What is going on?"

"You have one day to use the tickets. When you return, I'll pay you."

Leaving his suitcase behind, the boy got up and left.

* * *

And so, Kagura decided on Tristain while poor Shinpachi could only decide on Sakuragaoka Girl's High School. Calm down Shinpachi, ever heard of Infinite Stratos? You'll be the first male student to enroll in an all girl's school. According to 98% of animes, characters of your type will eventually end up with a harem. Good luck with earning enough money to feed your kids though.

Life's good. Currently, I'm lying down on a recliner chair with chocolate parfaits by the side. Apparently, the golden ticket was a premium class spaceship towards my dream.

Ichigo Kurosaki, here I come~ Images of me and Ichigo fighting side by side started to flood my mind as I began my sweet descent to my world of fantasy.

"Emergency, emergency!"

The blaring sound of the alarm woke me up to a sea of red due to the colour of the flashing alarm.

"A portal to an unknown world is currently sucking this spaceship towards it!"

Oi, oi. This is not a joke. Sorachi, sue this author for infringement of copyright before he writes something stupid. Gin-san can only belong in the world of Bleach!

The spaceship went into that portal anyway. Meanwhile, I could feel my legs getting heavier and my field of vision was covered by a thick fog. Sorachi failed to sue this guy in time, and the author succeeded in knocking me unconscious so that he would not have to info dump his reader about how Gintoki could mysteriously appear in North High just like that.

* * *

Anyway, I suddenly found myself in a hallway of classrooms as Haruhi stood in front of me and grabbed my hand all of a sudden.

"Kyon! What's up with that cosplay of Sakata Gintoki. Hurry up, you're almost late for an important S.O.S Brigade meeting."

Without a word of warning, I got forcefully dragged by Haruhi into the clubroom. Do not ask me why is it that Haruhi never noticed the difference in build between me and Kyon, go and ask the author yourself.

The rest of the members (except Nagato who briefly glanced at me before she went back to reading) looked at me in an odd manner. Is Haruhi the only idiot who cannot see how different Kyon and I look?

"Excellent news. There was a sighting about a spaceship crashing into a field last night. However, the spaceship disappeared the next day. We are going to investigate this mystery!"

Haruhi said as she put both her hands on her hip with a flash of excitement in her eyes. The spaceship did crash into this world after all. If you're surprised to why I don't seem to be afraid like any other person would be, don't be. Nagato Yuki can solve anything, so I'll probably be back in Edo reading the next issue of Jump soon later.

* * *

"It seems as though Haruhi isn't the cause of this phenomenon."

Nagato said as the both of us were walking in a crowded street. Apparently, Haruhi came to the conclusion that the aliens in the spaceship must be wandering about the city. Hence, she had split us into 2 groups to search for them.

"Ok. So can you get me back to Edo?"

"Edo? Explain."

"Ah, well you see... A portal sucked me into this world. Don't ask for details."

It does feel weird talking to Nagato, I mean, her voice actor was a far more expressive person than this character.

"I see. You are an entirely different person. However, you sound exactly like Kyon, which is why I had initially came to the conclusion that Haruhi altered your appearance."

"Do I have to fulfil certain requirements before you can send me back?"

Nagato kept silent for a while. Normally, this could only mean one thing.

"I am unable to send you back. This time, it is beyond my means to do so. I am aware however, that the Edo you are referring to is a messed up universe where it is possible for a character to kill its creator."

"Is that why you can't send me back?! Just because characters in Gintama often break the Fourth Wall does not mean that its universe is messed up. You have no idea how many people all over the world adores Gintama."

"Yes. Due to the massive logic flaw in that universe, it is merely incomprehensible data."

Sorachi! Heard that? It's incomprehensible data because you wrote Gintama when you were drunk. Now I'm doomed to be trapped here for all eternity. Author-san, I'm counting on you right now to ass pull out a plan out to save me.

"Is there really no way...?"

Here's your chance, make Nagato say something, no matter how ridiculous it is. Although your readers is probably going to hate the Desus Ex Machima, but I promise you a one year unlimited Yorozuya's service package voucher if you ignore their dissent voices.

"No. However, you might be interested to know that the Gintama franchise exists here. That is your only clue if you wish to find a way back."

Curse you, Author-san. If I ever find out where you live, I'll make sure that Sorachi will send a lawyer's letter to your house and sue your ass off.

* * *

And the flashback ended here. After winning Koizumi for the 9th time, he showed no sign of frustration as he kept smiling. Do you happen to be a fan of Kamui? The more I look at your smile, the more dangerous it seems to become. Like a ticking time bomb that would explode at any moment.

"I'm going to use the PC for awhile."

Koizumi nodded as I made my way to the only PC in the clubroom. Meanwhile, I decided that I'd probably check out to see if there's any Haruhi/Gintama crossover for some clues.

None.

Also, the section dedicated to Haruhi fanfictions completely vanished. Why are you so cruel, Author-san. Can't you at least leave one fiction here? Do you really want me to be trapped here for all eternity? This is kidnapping I tell you. Name your price and Sorachi will write a cheque for you in exchange for my freedom.

There were 8 crossover with Bleach however. I was expecting at least one story where I would be joining Ichigo in his adventures in Bleach. Maybe get my own Bankai too! That'll be awesome.

For similar reasons to why there are no Haruhi fanfiction here, the section dedicated to Gintama was not available back in Edo.

I browsed through the first page briefly.

Two stories about idiots from another world suddenly appearing in the Yorozuya... I could sell them off and earn enough rent to pay that granny downstairs 10 years in advance. Sougo x Kagura pairing stories... if only that became a reality. Then I don't have to feed Kagura anymore.

Something caught my eye as I scrolled further down.

Hijikata x Gintoki?! Oi, oi, do I have to show you my precious HD porno movies stash to prove that I'm not gay. Stop depicting me and that Mayo freak in a sweet, loving relationship. If you truly care for me, please do more Ketsuno Ana x Gintoki instead of this corrupted pairing.

Just then, I remembered that Haruhi was the reason why Mikuru fired strange beams from her eyes just because she got too engrossed in making her movie.

A bumbling idiot that could unknowingly alter reality just by thinking about it. Of course! After years of losing in Pachinko, today is the day that I earn all my money back and return to Edo in a glamourous manner.

I started my Gintoki's return-to-Edo-richer-than-before-scheme by creating an account. The theory behind it is that Haruhi would get too engrossed trying to edit my story and I'll be back in Edo richer than before in no time with her reality altering powers.

When I got that done, I started typing my very own fanfiction in the Gintama section.

Soon, Haruhi would probably peek at the computer screen out of curiousity and realise that I am currently typing a story about a successful rich Yorozuya boss known as Sakata Gintoki with his 2 lovely assistant, Shinpachi and Kagura.

Everyday, Gintoki would laze in his office reading the lastest issue of Jump while Shinpachi and Kagura would do all the work for him. Even though they get paid very little, but Gintoki saved their lives once. Thus, they've sworn to stick with him no matter what.

Haruhi gave up chasing Mikuru when she saw me writing the story.

"What's this story about?"

"Oh, its about a successful Yorozuya boss living in the Edo period after the Amanto invaded Earth."

Haruhi's eyes lit up as she read further. I could clearly tell that the story was captivating enough for her.

However, she wagged a finger at me.

"Kyon. Good story but your characters are too perfect. We need flaws for interesting plot progression."

Pushing me aside, she started to edit my story. Gintoki is now an unmotivated, poor and lazy bastard who likes reading Jump all day long. Both Shinpachi and Kagura still work under him because he's the boss of the Yorozuya who had tricked them into signing a 15 year contract which stipulates that if they quit, they would have to compensate him for his losses.

One day, a man requested that they go investigate a temple apparently haunted by a ghost. Their lives are changed forever when the ghost grants them the power to eliminate youkais from this world.

This is bad. If this goes on, we'll have to rename the Yorozuya to the Youkai Busters! I hate you, Haruhi. Please don't turn the Yorozuya into something creepy like catching ghosts for a living. My heart will not be able to handle the stress.

"Maybe you could write about aliens invading the land of the samurais and the Yorozuya is just a group of 3 people doing interesting things all the time?" I politely suggested, hoping that she'd accept this idea instead of Youkai Busters.

Haruhi paused for a moment. And then, a wide grin formed on her face.

"I know! It'll be the SOS Brigade doing interesting things instead."

For the whole day, Haruhi sat at the computer typing out her story. Even after school ended and everybody had left, she was still at the computer.

"Don't you have a computer at home?" I asked.

"Be quiet. Don't make me lose all my inspiration."

Whatever your inspiration is, it better not be anything stupid. Since I had no place to stay, it would be best to spend the night here.

I closed my eyes as I lay on the long table which has been the battlefield for many rounds of sweet victory against Koizumi.

* * *

When I woke up, I found myself back in the Yorozuya lying on the desk with Shinpachi looking at me with a concerned look on his face.

"Are you okay? You don't have to be that upset when you lost your ticket."

Figuring that this could either be the side effect of Haruhi's power or the author's power, I decided to accept things as it is until it becomes too ridiculous.

"Where's Kagura?"

"Gin-chan! Shinpachi! I've returned from Tristain~"

I heard Kagura from a distance as she stepped into the living room. To my horror, she got herself another pet.

"Sadaharu 2, meet Gin-chan and Shinpachi"

"Woof woof." A black haired boy with blue eyes was on all fours and sticked his tongue out like a dog.

That's not Sadaharu! That's a human boy that has been traumatized to the point of insanity.

"They sell humans as pet in Tristain?"

"No, he's my familiar. I summoned him."

"Kagura. Maybe you should let the poor boy go." Shinpachi said.

Yes, let him go before he finishes all of our food. It seems as though nothing has changed after all. As crazy as ever.

Thanks Haruhi, although I have no idea what you've written but I'm back here in Edo so I don't really care.

Good luck Kyon, you'll need it.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Many references in this chapter I must say. But its no fun if I list them out one by one :D

I'll just list just one reference here.

The voice actor for Kagura is also the voice actor for Louise in Familiar of Zero. I think its quite obvious who the human boy turned dog is...

Hope you enjoyed the massive fourth wall breaking here and do review if you have any comments or like/ follow if you wish.

Btw, this is the first Haruhi/Gintama crossover. (yay)


End file.
